The Real Problem With Pictures of My Face

THERE'S SO MUCH OF IT.

You can't photoshop that shit out. And why should I?

The Single Most Disgusting Thing That Has Ever Happened to Me in My Life

Following through the first phase of my morning hygiene routine, which is very regimented so I contain specific germs, I brush my teeth and tongue (ever important, as that's where most plaque can remain if neglected). I rinse out my brush, and notice something tucked in the very base of the bristles. It's dark brown, and about the size of a seed, so I immediately assume it's something out of my muesli that got stuck in the brush. On closer inspection, I realise it the MOTHERFUCKING BODY OF A COCKROACH. A tiny cockroach, no bigger than 3mm, but one that is in the object I clean my mouth with. MY MOUTH. ROACH.

ASNDJHSAKDAJKLSDHJKAS!

I stick feel like puking.

Hungry and Poor

I will make all the basic ingredients I have into bland food because I have 90 cents in the world and the miserable weather makes me want to carbo-load.

WHO IZ YOU?!

Just because I have a bullshit-detector and standards doesn't make me a man-hater. I will respect men and women if they deserve it.

Gaybrows

Do spectacularly polished eyebrows guarantee gayness in men? Well, surely there can be no feature but a person's own feelings which determine their sexuality, but is legitimate to sense something on my gaydar when I see gaybrows?

Case in point, Chace Crawford of Gossip Girl (you know you love it, xoxo). Ooh, you know who's his doppelganger, that guy from Percy Jackson and the blahblahblah movie. He has the eyebrows too!

Arguably, this guy is on a teen melodrama and needs his pretty guy eyes perfectly framed and off-set by the brows. But, picture on the left is a pre-fame high school shot - brows as manicured as ever.

Maybe looking at this small detail I've overlooked more obvious signs. A good old I AM SO NOT GAY claim. Or a picture of him wearing a velvet jacket with Elton John.

Winter Bladder

There is no reason to like this season, not when it causes you to wake up feeling like you've been punched in the cunt. If winter had a cunt, I would punch it right back.

KILL IT WITH FIRE

Tuesday 25th of May can go fuck itself.
Horrible misfortunes in the order in which they occurred:
- Early alarm so that I can work on a resubmission for an essay, due 1pm.
- After the alarm rings the phone starts giving inconvenient messages like it has a virus.
I turn it off, pull the whole thing apart.
- Turn the phone back on to find that certain buttons no longer work.
- COCKROACH. OMG what do you want from me, I don't even eat or drink in my room anymore GET OUT YOU HORRID PESTS
- It is winter outside. Fortunately it is not raining as I walk to the library but my jeans sponge up the wet ground so I carry the cold and wet with me.
- Open up this assignment, dude comes over to chat me up while I am obviously working on my laptop in a library, SERIOUSLY GO AWAY I DON'T LIKE HUMANS TODAY DO NOT DISTRACT ME. Also, coming to the library to read the free local paper is lame. Get an actual book, you toolkit. I do not want to have sex with you.
- I can't rewrite this essay because the words are swirling around making no sense. I will fail this paper.
FAIL FAIL FAIL

Preparedness

I would feel like a paranoid safety nerd for putting aside emergency supplies like canned food and bottled water in case of a flood or earthquake, things which happen fairly often in New Zealand.
And yet I like to take note of where all the aerosol cans are in the house, so that in the event of a zombie-apocalypse I can quickly access homemade flamethrowers.

For Josh Homme

...whose criticism of bloggers was, "Nobody fucking cares what you had for breakfast."

Toasted Chocolate Sandwich
(serves one future diabetic)
- Two pieces of toastable bread (I used Budget White Toast bread, as I refuse to pay more than $1.50 for this boring staple, allowing me more money for coffee and chocolate)
- Chocolate (Use your judgement - whatever amount fits between the two pieces of toast and stops you from feeling hungry)

Method: Toast bread. Chop chocolate finely. Tip on to bread. SANDWICH.

Let's review: Toast. Chocolate. Sandwich.
Breakfast of Champions.

PS. Josh Homme you are still the most sexable ginger man. I don't care if you hate blogs, you seeexxx...